Pentecostal Possibilities or "The Story of My Life"
by Milton Lorenzo (M. L.) Haney
Chapter 3
A Word on Family Government
The subject of family government involves much more than is generally recognized, and to get the best should be a consuming desire on the part of every parent. No one procedure will be alike successful with every child, hence in this field is the highest call for the exercise of strong, practical common sense, aided by the Spirit of God.
1. With children of ordinary capacities of body and mind, obedience should be secured in the first year of the child's life. If allowed to go beyond that period, the best time has passed. It is not better to allow the children to have its own way for a whole year and then suddenly exact obedience, but from the beginning to pave the way. It will not fail to set up its will in many ways very clearly, and usually it will require that which costs the most. It suddenly discovers that it is nice to have a light burning for it to sleep by. Then it is very irksome to quietly lie in its crib, but beautiful to be rocked all the time. Then rocking becomes distasteful and it must be on the arms or knee. But soon it discovers the luxury of being carried about in the arms at whatever cost. Every mother will know the inconsistency of keeping a child always in one position, but it is the mother, and not the child, who is to decide what is best, and what is not best. It is of all things most unreasonable that the judgment of an infant child should equal the judgment of an intelligent mother. So God has put the helpless, dependent, ignorant little creature into the hands and heart of the mother, and expects her to choose for and guide it till it can choose for and guide itself.
Stopping at the home of a young minister who was compelled to be absent in his pastoral work much of the time during the day, and was not able to procure help for his wife, I saw her very life was in danger from the exactions of her baby. The care of her house was upon her, but nothing short of her whole time would answer the demands of her child. Not a step out of its sight could be taken without screams, and the preparation of meals was sometimes well nigh impossible. The child was from seven to twelve months old and an intolerable burden. She counseled me as to what could be done, and I suggested that she proceed at once to substitute her way for the child's way, which she did with a courageous heart, and the child had more happiness in a single month than in all its life before.
2. There should be with most children a period, a day or hour, when the question of obedience is settled. As before suggested, much should be done preparatory to this, and in some cases no great battle will occur; but the child will fall in and be ruled by the parent. Yet in a great majority of cases there will come a time when the child will have to be thoroughly conquered. I think my father never had but one such a battle with each child, and that generally, if not always, before it had entered its second year. This should not be undertaken unless it is fully carried out.
3. There needs to be care taken not to make demands which are not best. Great calmness is necessary to rightly govern a child. A hasty temper is a great impediment and a curse to both parent and child.
4. There must be persistence in what is begun. Be careful that what is required is right, then persevere in it till the child fully accepts your will. Hasty and frequent corrections, leaving the child with more rebellion than when you began, is a calamity. Rightly governed children rarely have to be punished; badly governed children are always in need of correction. Promised castigations, unfulfilled, should be avoided. The spirit of scold is a horror, wherever residing. Let him who undertakes to govern others see to it that he governs himself.
5. A wise variety of appliances should be used where punishment is necessary. A word of disapproval with some children is felt more deeply than severe punishment with others. A fine switch used on the bare flesh of a little child is an instrument of terror, and usually will result in early submission and the best results without injury to the child. The use of the hand should be avoided. After a child is 10 years old the rod should rarely be used. Other modes of correction should then be sought, and there are many which when used bear better results than the rod.
6. Correction given to gratify an evil temper, or to revenge the parent, is a painful perversion of right government. Hence punishment should not be administered without sufficient time to reflect. The daughter of toil and poverty, with her overtaxed nervous system, midst a hundred cares, of which but few have knowledge, will find this rule difficult to keep. Her duties may be so exacting that more haste may be demanded. The activities of a healthy child are amazing, hence its changes of position from one forbidden object to another, would sometimes tax the patience of an angel. To counteract all this and carry forward to completion her daily tasks is more difficult than to rule a kingdom. Her life will be sacrificed if she fails to have prohibitory laws which really prohibit. The baby has to be borne with, but to have children from two to seven years marking the walls, disfiguring furniture, crying and screaming for things they can ask for, is an outrage. There must be fixed bounds and the child made to understand where they are. When these are willfully transcended let there be a settlement. If the mother does not waver, her tired soul will be saved from a thousand perplexities.
7. Where both parents live, but little can be done toward right control without the hearty co-operation of both parties. In these days of great business activities the father is usually absent largely during the day, hence the weight of home training rests with the mother. But few fathers have any just conception of what it costs to rule a family of active children a single day. Coming home at night, he is glad to see his children, and they are shouting happy because "Papa has come." If complaints are made as to "Mamma's" government, he needs always to be ready to sustain her, while in their presence, and with the whole weight of a father's authority to insist on strict obedience of every child to the mother. If convinced that she has made mistakes, that can be settled in kindly council when the children are absent. He would have probably done worse than she, had he been compelled to occupy her place. As children get older the father's presence and authority are of the highest importance. If my father was ever displeased with mother's government, we children never found it out.
8. Parents should be able to secure the aid of Deity in this most important of all human relationships. In the Divine order parental government precedes, an paves the way for God to rule in after years, and the child who has not yielded to parental authority, finds it almost impossible to submit to the authority of God. Hence it cannot be otherwise than that God will be infinitely pleased by the Holy Spirit to render aid in every part of this most important of all human obligations.
Had I a thousand lives to live, I would not dare to assume the responsibility of raising a family without knowing God myself, and being assured of His assistance at every turn.